ungold: (Default)
I was going to start this post doing an entry about Julian which was probably going to swell his ego no ends. But with one thing and another it's become about a lot more than him. It's...fuck it's me and my life. About what being an omega with the power of creation and death and what it does to me.

So you're probably thinking, shut up and stop whining, you've got your powers and who wouldn't want to be able to be you? Well...it's a lot harder than you think and I am *not* talking responsibility, I've figured that out, only I can decide to do the things so it's my decision. The problem is....

My powers, I'm aware of life and death around me at every second of the day. I just have to touch someone once, and I could tell them what was wrong and rather scarily how long before their bodies wears out of they continue living like they are. It freaks me out. And once people work out what I can do or heal them they look differently at me. Whether it's with aw, and I'm suddenly up on a pedestal and treated differently or its fear and people don't want me getting close. Even my friends. They do it without realising it and they don't know how to handle it. It's always over the top reassurances or yelling and calling me an idiot because they don't know what else to do.

What I need. What I want is for someone to remind me I'm Josh Foley, a kid who loves sport and being part of the cool crowd. There's only one guy I know who does it and that's Julian Keller. Gay as it sounds I love the guy and he keeps me grounded. If Scott and Jean had platonic love, well that would be us, at least for me. If anyone wants to tease me about this, feel free. But he's kept me sane more than once.

I get the feeling when I get too powerful, when I can't be around people because I'm too separate, he'll be the one giving me the arguments to keep trying and I don't want to let him down you know? Really, I want him to keep his faith in me that I can always be what he thinks I am.

But I can feel myself drifting, even in the Nexus. I've been healing people, I know their strengths and witnesses. I miss my team I miss the people who know me as something more than a power. Julian has got Laura and that's great for him. It really is. I just.... I wish I had that or something, just something to make feel something more than being an Omega.

I don't wanna be like Phoenix, I don't want to go.

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joѕн ғoley | elιхιr

November 2015

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